Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
