My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
