lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Still dying that you shit outside
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
