just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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