I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
