Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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