I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
