it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How does one acquire holy water?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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