worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
