She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
