mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize