dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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