I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
