In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
