Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
