i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
