Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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