Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
