Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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