cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
