The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
