def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
