I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
