I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
