well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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