i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
