when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
