JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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