VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
