Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
