Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
