there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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