I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
