I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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