I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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