When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize