Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
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