pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
