i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
