Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
