I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
