I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
