Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
