I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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