i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i may or may not be watching the land before time
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
