Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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