Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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