he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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