I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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