I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
