He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
