that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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