he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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