it wasn't lemon gatorade
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
