If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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