I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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