kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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