I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
