I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
