he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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