I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
